| whatever |
[Mar. 13th, 2007|07:43 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  numb | ] |
"You'll say, we've got nothing in common,
No common ground to start from,
And we're falling apart,
You'll say, the world has come between us,
Our lives have come between us,
Still I know you just don't care.
I see you, the only one who knew me,
And now your eyes see through me,
I guess I was wrong,
So what now? It's plain to see we're over,
And I hate when things are over,
When so much is left undone."
So this song Brekfast at Tiffany's pretty much sums up on how I feel between my friends and myself. Between all that has happened this year and the previous two years makes me wonder. I just don't know anymore. I feel like I am like one day then hated the next day.
I have felt like that for a while and I cant help the way I feel. I have asked people if it's true and they say no but it sure as hell to me doesnt look that way at all. It gets really weird sometime when I am around. I wish there was something I could do.
I mean I want to know if there is something wrong with me than for people to talk behind my back. We all talk behind people's back but when I ask you up front dont lie just tell me the truth thats all i really want is the truth.
This song Breakfast at Tiffany's pretty much sums up how I feel. It explains how I feel that my friends and I are getting more and more distant than ever before.
The last few weeks All I have been doing is sleeping, my eating habits is not normal. I am feeling sad, lonely and depressed. I either want to be alone or I just want someone around. we don't even have to talk, just so I don't have to feel lonely. When I want to be with anyone no one is around or I am just shooed off. That hurts when I know I am not wanted at all.
I feel that I am going back into some of my habits that I had last year. I know that because I can see the changes in myself and what I am going back into. I am feeling like how i did a lot last year. I don't want to ever be like that again because it was a hard time for me. It seemed that no one cared last year and it seems like that again this year.
I want to be free from all this pain and to be happy again. I don't even know how or what to do. It seems that the people who I think i can trust the most I can't even talk to them at all. That sucks because I have no one else to talk to. I feel like I am all alone and i know im not.
I feel like no one really truly cares about how I feel or anything. I feel unwanted more than 50% of the time. People keep saying that it's not true than prove it. I keep feeling that im just that back up friend that people have when they have no one else. I just wish there was something I could do. I wish that I knew what I could do to feel welcome and wanted but i know its never going to happen. I have never really felt like i FIT in. Im just that girl who will always be there no matter what happens. Im that girl that no one talks to, doesn't know anything, excluded etc. It sucks being that girl because I hate being thet person who is the dumb one in the group.
NO ONE takes me seriouly they take me AS A JOKE. I wish people would learn that I am human and i have feelings.
I just wish things didn't have to go this way. I just wish that people would be comfortable talking to me and telling me how they really feel. It seems that people just tell me half the story, lie to me, don't talk to me and that they would feel that they could trust me and be comfortable with the person I am. I don't want to change for them I just want to change for myself. I hate that people tell me try and tell me how i should be or whatever. I don;t want people try and make me into a person i am not. I understand that they are trying to help but i dunno.
I wish that I could start all over again. I want to start from the beginning and maybe than things would be better but who really know or maybe i could take back things that i have done in the past. I just have screwed up and need to start all over again. |
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| i guess |
[Dec. 10th, 2006|05:14 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
So i'm thinking and i just realized that in one week exactly i will be in the air on the way to Indonesia!!!!!!! that makes me very happy. i just need to get through this week and than i will be good. This week is gonna be hell because i don't know if i can handle it. There's gonna be lots of work and im not going to be able to concentrate because all i am going to do is think of my trip..
This is trip is going to be a good experience for me. it will be worthwhile and i am going to let everything go and let things come to me as they come and not hold anything back. I don't want to hold back because i dont want to regret not doing something. It will be my only chance to do this.
I want to learn and i think that i might come with a new look on life, new perspective and so much more. This is going to be a learning experience that i dont want to give up.
I'm done.. i just wish that i could experience this trip with someone so close to me. |
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| its bout that time |
[Dec. 8th, 2006|02:26 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | bedroom | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  excited | ] |
| [ | music |
| | back where i come from by kenny chesney | ] |
So I have eight more days until i leave this fucking campus and nine more days till I fly out to Indonesia!!!!
I am very excited about my trip!!! it will be an experience I will never forget and i am ready for any challenges that will happen over there.!!!
I can't wait to leave campus because i honeslty need a break from everything that is going on here. I just want my own space and to be able to come back in Jan. ready to start fresh and hope for the best! it just seems that the same shit is happening all the time here and im getting sick of the same i want something new, different and that way i can be like i did that instead of i wish i did or feel guilty because i didnt do what i wanted. I tend to follow everyone else instead of doing my own thing. I miss being my own person in a way and being independent. now i have to follow everyone. I wish i could just go back to who i was in the past but i realize i have grown up, changed.
I liked being the one who could do their own thing and doen's care. now i cant do anything alone. it sucks i dunno.. im done now.. |
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| really soon |
[Nov. 11th, 2006|09:32 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | happy | ] |
so my trip to Indonesia is coming up really soon!! i am very excited! i can't wait. ill be there for about 27 days!! although i am very eager to go and i am excited about the experience i will have, i am nervous. I know for sure i am going to be home sick. Ill def. be home sick on christmas day!! it will be wierd not being home with the rents and mikey. I hate breaking traditions or things that i do for such long times. but i know it will be all worth it in the end. i know it will be okay and i just dont know.
but during my time there we are going to Bali and see monkeys!!!! exciting!! i am very pumped to go to Bali cuz its supposed to be beautiful there.
but anywho... im just overall homesick more than anything |
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| dont know |
[Oct. 26th, 2006|11:50 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | sad | ] |
honestly i dont know where to start. im wicked upset and feel all alone.
yesterday, i got ganged up on by my roommates. They basically told me all the bad things about me and now i feel like i am such a bad person. It sucks to know that three people you thought were your best friends come out and tell you all this shit.. i am just lost with words and i dont even know how to deal with the pain i have.
But at least i know how they feel and now i can work on what they said. By this i will become a better person in their eyes. In my eyes i thought i was a good person but apparently i was just fooling myself.
But since the talk and things have been said, things are going good. no wierdness or no talking or anything since last night. that makes me feel a little better. but before the "Talk" i noticed a lot of tension.
I just wish that I wasn't attacked by all three, maybe one on one type of thing but whatever. I felt horrible yesterday because it was all bad stuff they were saying and im like ok. and sometimes they were like umm should i say it? and im like just say it i don't care and i want to know what it is. I want to work on these things but if they are afraid to talk to me or tell me something that they dont like about me than why bother say "should i mention it?" it just bugs the hell out of me.
I want things to be better between us because there seems to always be tension and fights and i dont want that in a friendship.. It always seems like them three then me alone. I dont want that and i can move on if i have to but ive known these girls for 2 yrs and 2 months and that would have been a waste. i want things to work out and to the point where i actually feel like i am a 'true' friend. i sometimes feel like i am being used by them and that i am just an acquantence to them. i dont know how i am going to move on from that feeling but i am going to try.
well thats it for now. |
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| fpc |
[Sep. 3rd, 2006|12:20 pm] |
so im back at FPC!! yay! i moved in yesterday and got moved in and unpacked by 12 noon which was good and what i wanted!! so now ive been visiting pple who are back and hangin out!!!
its so good to be back well for now it does........
well thats bout it
G2 this yr!!woot woot |
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|
| things |
[Jun. 25th, 2006|01:19 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blah | ] |
so lots on my mind the past few days!! i dont even know where to start.. i guess there are just no words that could possibly describe what is going on in my head...
but anywho..
work is going good... i like it for the most part.. the only thing i dont like is working the 3pm to the 10pm shift at nights. which has only been saturday nite and sunday.. its not bad but i like working during the day and with the people day shift. o well im workin and gettin paid...
i MIGHT(80%) sure going to INDONESIA for xmas break.. im wicked excited to go because ive never been and it will be a great thing for me to do...
that the major news for me i guess nothing special...
17 more days til im 21 and im excited... lol
ok im done |
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| ya im excited |
[Jun. 8th, 2006|10:59 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | excited | ] |
OK so tomorrow i get to see COURTNEY and im wicked excited to see her and get away from home!! then i get to go back to courtneys in a week after that and see the crew!! which includes: Kelly, Courtney, Michelle and Mallory!!!! yep mad fun and im pumped i just wish it could be now....
WORK is just going WELL... i love it to be honest. i like the people and i like my hours for the most part. so far ive been workin days and no later than 6. but it will change this weekend when i work sat 3-10 and sun 3-10.. hey its money right? the people i work with on day shift are fun to work with and basically i can do whatever the hell i want... i work at CVS and ask what i should do and i just socialize with whomever i am working with.. depends who is there i can really enjoy work and have a fun time talking and goofing off. sometimes we just stand in an aisle talking until they call for cashiers and we have to go ring.. that sucks i hate ringing because once ur up there ull be there for a while!
other than that work is good.. i try and not to piss my boss off which sometimes i think i do. like today she yelled at me because what i was doing was taking so long. well fuck you. im sorry they call for cashiers every second and i have to help the customers... o well i got the job done and thats that. but most of the time i can make the people i work with smile and stuff. they all enjoy working with me which is good to know because they alwyas tell me and stuff... and sometimes they say i like to cause trouble which is somwhat true.
ya i dread working but its really not that bad
YA IM EXCITED FOR THIS SUMMER EVEN THOUGH I COMPLAIN A LOT.. I AM JUST LOOKING FORWARD TO WORK AND SEEING MY FRIENDS, HANGING OUT WITH MY BRO AND HIS HOT FRIENDS.. LOL |
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| home and fpc |
[May. 31st, 2006|10:54 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | blah | ] |
So summer has been going good.. ya know the good the bad and some how it all works out in the end..
since leaving school i thought being away from people and i thought it would be good to be away from the shit goin on and be on my own. But seriously... i miss them and being at school.. Although i complain and bitch about being miserable at school and fighting with people. i miss them FPC is my home and my girls and i have been through so much i dont want to destroy what 2 yrs took to create in such a tremendous friendship..
being home and not being with my friends who i see daily and are with 24/7 its weird.. its not the same being able to do the stuff with people at home..
i dunno. being home i am a completely different person than who i am at FPC.. its def. weird and i dont know why im so different. it's like when im at home i keep to my self and life is low key.. but at school im loud, crazy, all over the place and im never sitting still.
honestly.. i like my crazy life at FPC.. thats who i am and at home im just a girl who doesnt know who she is. Home i am confused, quiet, lonely and so many others. school i am 100% myself i am so true to who i am but how can i be when being at home i cant be who i am as a person at school??
i honestly am just confused about everything and just wish there was someway i could fix it and i could be who i am all the time |
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| last nite |
[May. 8th, 2006|08:50 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | blah | ] |
so yup tonight is the last night at FPC!!! yay!!! im so excited to be leaving here for three and a half months!! that is some exciting news!! i guess... so tonight im just hanging out finishing some last minute work, packing, laughin with some amazing people and i dunno.. so tonite Kelly, Courtney, Mallory and I went to Kimballs and got ice cream and watched the season finale of 7th Heaven!!! ya im lame and it was so SAD see the last show and now its off the air. this show had been on for 10 friggen yrs...
so im excited for summer to start and move on and clear my head of all the things going on here. things here that i dont want to deal with because its been too long and over due to even try working on things and to see if things will work out or not. in my honest opinion i dont think things will work out.. i think that whatever has happened has happened and we all just need to move on.. i have forgotten it and moved on.. im done and im ready to learn from my mistakes and forive myself for what i did wrong. In my life i have made mistakes and moved on. i forgive and not forget but i move on from whatever problems i am facing.
i try to make myself a better person and yet i keep failing at life and i a miserable person to say the least when i act like this. i am sorry for whatever has happened between us. i guess its part of life, we meet, we fight, move on, and become acquaintances. ALL I CAN SAY IS SORRY. ive made my mistake, i learned and now im moving on and im just growing up...
Summer is the right time and it couldn't have happened any sooner!!! |
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